This story originally appeared in The Peak, Mustang Media Group’s arts and student culture magazine. Check out more from “The Peak: Sh*t we weren’t told, the Adulting Issue.”
No one starts college expecting failure. In fact, what you find is almost the complete opposite. The sheer number of young and ambitious students all packed together in the same rigorous environment only heightens everyone’s primal urge to be at the very top.
Like many of my peers, I wanted college to be the fresh new start that would officially kick off my journey into adulthood. I was determined to be the perfect student I once knew myself to be; the one who completed her work on time, always went to class and succeeded effortlessly without a second thought.
But soon enough, I found myself unable to resist the allure of college debauchery, chasing the highs that came with my newfound independence. My weekends were spent at parties hosted in dimly lit basements – intoxicated young adults pushing each other around under the thick haze of colorful LEDs and secondhand smoke. Being able to indulge in all these new experiences with no immediate consequences kept pulling me in for more.
Thus, it became easier to procrastinate my work just so I could make it to the next party. When I found it hard to get out of my bed in the mornings, I threw in the towel and skipped class for the day. Each assignment snowballed into such an enormous task that all I could do was stare at my laptop with dread.
I became particularly acquainted with failure and subsequent shame while I was enrolled in an argumentative writing english course during spring quarter my freshman year. While I was uncertain how this new quarter would go, I was also excited to apply myself in this course. I loved writing, and it had always been a skill of mine I was confident about.
But despite my best efforts, it became glaringly obvious that I was struggling to manage the workload required for the class with my social life. The first major essay assigned for the class asked us to pick a relevant political issue and defend it against opposing arguments. I decided to pick an issue I was passionate about, which was book bannings. I had a solid argument that I could easily develop into a well-written essay.
However, even with the desire to apply my writing skills productively, I kept running into the same old wall that blocked me from reaching my true potential as a student. I became so paralyzed by perfectionism and the need to prove my worth, which instead of motivating me, only served to make me put off doing any necessary work.
Unfortunately, this exposed itself within my work for the class. My essay ended up being a half-written page of gibberish, because I couldn’t finish it before the deadline. As I began to feel the weight of my poor attempt at academic recovery, my shame began to bleed into the rest of my assignments. I wasn’t studying for exams, and thus failed them, all while coming back to my dorm and spending the rest of my day recharging as my homework collected dust in my backpack.
When I finally had the courage to check my grade in the class after the end of a chaotic first year and saw the dreaded letter F staring back at me, the fantasy I had of college being my academic saving grace shattered before my very eyes. All I could do was sob, feeling like I was destined to be nothing more than a complete and utter failure.
For a while, it was still difficult for me to come to terms with my failures, wanting to bask in the comfort that came with stagnation. But experiencing this latest failure further reminded me how much I hated feeling inadequate. And so, I knew a change was long overdue in order to turn my circumstances around.
When the new school year rolled around, I welcomed its new beginnings with open arms. Failure had upended my world as a freshman. This time around, it became the driving force of my motivation to succeed. There was no way to predict what the future would look like, but I wouldn’t let myself be paralyzed by fear.
For more stories from the “Sh*t we weren’t told, the Adulting Issue” check out the featured Peak section on our website or the full edition.
